Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
