Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize