He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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