Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
