She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
