im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
