On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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