I accidentally had phone sex last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
