u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize