I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
