"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
