Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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