No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
