it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
