rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
