it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
