my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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