i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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