Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
