Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize