Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
