puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
