glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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