Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
