i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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