so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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