You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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