What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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