I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
