now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
