so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize