this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
