I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
