my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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