i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
