I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize