did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
