he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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