Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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