At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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