Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
