I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm passing your future prison.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
