life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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