my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
