someone threw a dead crab at me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
