I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
