I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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