can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
