I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think your dad took our porno
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
