Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
