I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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