I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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