Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
