Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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