Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize