in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
