All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
