I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
