I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
